it’s been a long time…
i’ve been in Edmonton for a year now. My house sitting gig is coming to an end and i move this weekend. It is time. i’m scared. Scared is ok. Financially it forces me to figure things out, to be accountable in a way that i haven’t had to be in years. i’m not extravagant by any means, but i have had the luxury of not having to worry about paying the rent since my early years of starting out and then i had a partner to share that burden with. i’m not worried. i am capable and this will work. Still, on the cusp of anything new, excitement and fear can mix the cocktail of anticipation that cracks things open for me and gives me the opportunity to explore myself in new ways. i actually feel abundant these days on many levels and i trust in that, but this also shines light into dark corners. For which i am grateful.
This platform provides a voice for my secrets that allows me to release them with some perception on my part of anonymity. The events in my life right now helped to precipitate the following poem. My m.o. is that the most private parts of me aren’t exposed to be analyzed or fixed. That work has been done. The writing is the release. The letting go. The significance of the work that has been done.
We all have a wee one in us that takes our burdens. Do not feel sorry for me – or her. She is found and loved. ReJOYce 🙂
behind the left side of my heart
there is a closet
it is black
she lives in it
behind the left side of my heart
she is magnificent in her silence
in her ability to hide
to pretend she isn’t there
she is
small
bent
crouched
in the darkest corner of the closet
behind the left side of my heart
i feel that I feel nothing there
she has absorbed herself into that space
and crammed what is left with whatever i ignore
to keep her company
she is every vile word ever said to me
she is every mistake embarrassment rejection
she is my lonely
she is my shame
she is weary in her effort to cram the crud of my existence into that closet
with her so that i can pretend i’m ok
she is just a little girl
she found that closet
behind the left side of my heart
when she learned she was not enough
for their time
for his time
for my time
she stopped asking
she found her place
she is safer there than in the light
it is hard to be found there
behind the left side of my heart
she so desperately wants to be found
because she is drowning in the water chamber that closet has become for my tears
i found that place today
behind the left side of my heart
i’ve known/not known her my whole life
but today i found her hiding place
she is scared that I did
she is hopeful
scared more
to be hopeful
as I was editing this piece the song Brave by Sara Bareilles played on the radio. Listen to it. It’s what made me hit the ‘publish’ button.
Be brave she is i love her and you sam
Sam Lloyd Yoga 