behind the left side of my heart

it’s been a long time…

i’ve been in Edmonton for a year now.  My house sitting gig is coming to an end and i move this weekend.  It is time.  i’m scared. Scared is ok.  Financially it forces me to figure things out, to be accountable in a way that i haven’t had to be in years. i’m not extravagant by any means, but i have had the luxury of not having to worry about paying the rent since my early years of starting out and then i had a partner to share that burden with.  i’m not worried.  i am capable and this will work. Still, on the cusp of anything new, excitement and fear can mix the cocktail of anticipation that cracks things open for me and gives me the opportunity to explore myself in new ways. i actually feel abundant these days on many levels and i trust in that, but this also shines light into dark corners. For which i am grateful.

This platform provides a voice for my secrets that allows me to release them with some perception on my part of anonymity.  The events in my life right now helped to precipitate the following poem.  My m.o. is that the most private parts of me aren’t exposed to be analyzed or fixed.  That work has been done.  The writing is the release. The letting go.  The significance of the work that has been done.

We all have a wee one in us that takes our burdens.  Do not feel sorry for me – or her. She is found and loved. ReJOYce 🙂

behind the left side of my heart

there is a closet

it is black

she lives in it

behind the left side of my heart

she is magnificent in her silence                                                                                                                            
in her ability to hide

to pretend she isn’t there

she is




in the darkest corner of the closet

behind the left side of my heart

i feel that I feel nothing there

she has absorbed herself into that space

and crammed what is left with whatever i ignore

to keep her company

she is every vile word ever said to me

she is every mistake         embarrassment          rejection

she is my lonely

she is my shame

she is weary in her effort to cram the crud of my existence into that closet

with her so that i can pretend i’m ok

she is just a little girl

she found that closet

behind the left side of my heart

when she learned she was not enough

for their time

for his time

for my time

she stopped asking

she found her place

she is safer there than in the light

it is hard to be found there

behind the left side of my heart

she so desperately wants to be found

because she is drowning in the water chamber that closet has become for my tears

i found that place today

behind the left side of my heart

i’ve known/not known her my whole life

but today i found her hiding place

she is scared that I did

she is hopeful

scared more

to be hopeful

as I was editing this piece the song Brave by Sara Bareilles played on the radio. Listen to it.  It’s what made me hit the ‘publish’ button.

Be brave                                                                                                                                        she is                                                                                                                                                   i love her                                                                                                                                      and you                                                                                                                                        sam

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